Dear diary,

I went back to Asiaworks for staffing, recalled me when I was a little girl that pretending that “I am strong to overcome anything, even though to break up with chubby boy, I can recover anyway”, this time, I was seated at the back table, writing log book and being the trainer’s transport. Being a trainer’s transport get a few minutes of the personal consulting session with the trainer yay!

On the first day, I was still in my heartache for applied too many leaves in February and March, not ready to be a small group leader (SGL) yet. I was so ganjiong and forgot my supplies when I stand on the chair to get my group members. HAHAHAHAHA

2^nd day, I didn’t manage my job well, so I was there, but I was at my work too. I had a breakdown, from the work by Ken Ito, I realized the voice in me was yelling “I am useless, I am not good enough”. 

My biggest learning throughout the staffing: I made mistake, simply means that – I made mistake. I didn’t handle my job well, also simply means that – I didn’t get my job done. It never meant for “I am useless or not good enough”. So silly me...

I have met people that I think it’s a total karma for me, I couldn’t work them anyway. Another big lesson for me, learn to surrender, allowing other to have some space and make their own choice. No matter what result it is, favourable or not, I just gotta surrender to what it is. I AM NOT MY RESULT.

Each time after I recharged myself in Asiaworks, I realized I’m so in love with my chubby boy, how blessed I am to meet this guy. He is not perfect, but this is what makes him perfect. I have my love power back on hands, loving him unconditionally and not setting expectations are what to make it stronger. Not easy, but I’m doing it, this is how I choose to do something different this time.

Life is full of challenges, it is impossible to stop them coming. What I can do is, surrender to the moment, and choose to stand up again. 

Feel so light and relieved after all, what a great journey I have been through. 

遗憾

在工作时间听着 许文友 的 “父亲”，每一次听见这首歌，眼睛都会红。 
我爸走了，我没能完成带父母一起去旅行的心愿，只要想到这 遗憾就好像回忆的一把有力的锄头往心里挖 只能恨自己以为时间很多 恨自己以前对他的不耐烦.
每一次在家，我习惯性的逃避 不去记着他已经离开的这件事情，越是这样，每次想起只会越痛苦。所以我最近试着时不时跟男友说着他以前的事情，虽然他不在，但我想用这样的方式让他永远留在我身边。

Wrap up for 2017

Its not the end of the year yet, but I already looking back throughout 2017, what happened, and how myself have been. This is going to be a longgggggggggggg-winded one lol

My father passed away on the first day of Chinese New Year, the good thing is he met almost everyone and left without too much struggling in painfulness. That was a big hit for our family, he was the main financial support of the family. We had been through some hard times, I’m glad that its finally over! Wongs are survivors <3

I left the job that I thought I will work for the rest of my life, Moola. I remember since I have joined the company, I woke up passionately every morning and work so hard as if the company is mine. I wasn’t mature enough to handle the important position, anyway, it was a great learning for life.

I joined a good company that doesn’t suit me, they have good bosses and great colleagues. However that company was in Bangi, BANGI! It was  so farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr away from my home and I drove 1.5 hours every day for work, it drove me crazy! And……….because of lacking of sleep seriously, I looked so ugly during that period!

I joined ASIAWORKS training, and it’s a huge turning point of my life, a whole new perspective to look at LIFE. From Basic Traning to Advance Training, and finally the hard times – Leadership Program (LP) for 3 months, a very expensive self-position-check, AND I WANT TO ANNOUNCE THIS PROUDLY, IM GOING TO BE A BETTER PERSON FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! A BETTER DAUGHTER, BETTER GIRLFRIEND (or may be wife hahahaha) AND A POWERFUL LADY. I sincerely thanks god and my cousin for bringing me to Asiaworks, it’s a gift from god.

I became the President of Leo Club of Southern Cross, proudly.

I resigned, for the second time. And joined an expanding company, my first time joining a public listed corp. I have no idea what’s next, and I just jumped in. So far I love working here, blending with the colleagues, and most importantly its just take less than 15 minutes’ (when the traffic is bad...wahahaha) drive to work! Damn it, I LOVE THIS JOB!

I travelled to Hanoi alone, and completed my first solo trip. This was one of the goals in my LP, I want to do this so bad and most of the times I just dare not to, silly me haha.. I decided to stay with GA hostel as they have quite a number of good reviews and its affordable. The whole trip is on a tight budget, so I spend most of my time walking around the city, sleeping, reading, and SHOP IN THE CRAZY NIGHT MARKET! I got a few cheap but quite-ok quality dresses over there ~ satisfied!

I am finally a GLP, graduated-leadership-program. I remember how we have been through the 3 months’ hardship, how we breakdown emotionally, and most importantly how strong is the support system, these are the kenangan terindah in my life <3

I wasn’t a good President, I tell myself. I’m so useless, I tell myself again. I broke down, feel like giving up everything and just walk out from the mess, escape from people and criticism. I thank god again, for having several of true friends, they are so supportive and have faith in me more than I do.

This cute guy is still with me, its our 1^st anniversary today, I love you so much. I have been the taker in life, and you are the giver in our relationship. With you, I take less (practicing to be a giver), and swear to give you all my love. In the past 12 months, we had arguments and cold war, not giving up each other during the hardships brought us closer. I love how we paktor in the kitchen, being your assistant, playing Spotify and doing the silly dances. I love it when you hug me from the back quietly. I love how you taught me to draw gingerbread man and Cinnamon stars. I’m thrilled when you received your first order, the following orders, and seeing the startup growing each day. I’m melted, when you put me into the picture of your future, and we promised each other to spend the rest of life together. I’m so moved that you always supported me silently whenever I need. 范范说，感情是要经营的, its true! (saying this confidently after banging walls a lot of time, don’t trust me, trust my experiences!)

What’s next? Resolution for 2018? Hm ..

给自己一份礼物

还记得是因为那天晚上和男友大吵，关于能不能互相看对方电话的事情，我气得身体都在发抖，心理不断地问自己，“你确定你要跟这一个人继续走下去？” “”你确定吗？“

我为什么会那么不安。。。

我拿起电话，打给最亲的表弟，他说你来这里，肯定会找得到你的答案，你五天过后就会知道该怎样做了。

是不是听起来很奇怪，好像在骗着我去一些有神棍的地方。。。

他那了得的口才加上我真的非常相信他，我花了两千多块钱上了课，再花了三千多块钱继续进修，最后再丢多了两千多块完成整个课程。听起来很像骗局是不是。。

Basic Training

我发现了原来我有多么自私，我究竟是如何跟身边我爱的人们，和爱我的人们 相处的

我爸走的时候，我没有多哭，我甚至没有难过很久，我用身边所有的事情来转移注意力，我记得有一堂课，那作业把所有我与爸爸的记忆都唤回来，哭得心脏也要掉出来了，之前麻木的感觉好像瞬间恢复了

我体会到每一件事情都有选择，要对自己负责任，而不是一味的责怪别人。也许这些道理从、、脸书的随便一个文章都能读到，但是当我和其他人被放在一起做活动，看见自己的反应时，那简直是人生给我的一大巴掌的那种恍然大悟的 level。

Advanced Training 

我找到了我到底想要成为一个怎样的人，我看见了是什么东东阻碍着我前进。我和同学们也体会到 the world belongs to givers, be a giver <3

Leadership Program 

我结交了一班生死之交，哈哈，他们是那种好久不见都好 在只要一对了眼 心都暖了 我就会知道这世上没有什么是干不了的，他们随时都在我身旁撑着我，只要我开口，只要我不再重下去 (嘻嘻)。爱你们哟！那三个月的日子，还是如往的大吵小吵通通都有，只是这次我更清楚 what do i want, is what am i doing getting me to what I want? 

花了那么多钱，有少少心疼，可是投资在自己身上当作是一份礼物，这辈子继续成为一个更棒的人同时结交到这般知己，抵到烂啦！ 

His love is everywhere

I'm so thankful that my baby insisted to have the family photograph before going out, despite we never expect it will be the last one.

I'm regretful, 

I have not treat both of them for a trip,

My dad has not travel overseas since my brothers and I were born,

I thought we still have time.

It happened out of a sudden,

he left us, just like that,

we were too busy for handling the funeral and telling the family,

a friend came to me, and reminded me to stay strong, after the funeral

Its the real period for all of us to stay strong, after the funeral

We've to get use to the absence of pappa,

I better not having any problem with my car,

as this time no one will save me from the troubles,

I better plan my errands earlier,

as this time no one will run them for me at last minute,

I better not left my phone at home as no one gonna send it to me with just a call,

the love is too much for us to leave the painfulness behind.

PA小姐向上冲 #3：心累了

话说PA小姐工作上遇到了前所未有的挫折，

怎么什么事情都做不好。。。

她才发现，是自己太执着了吗？

想要成为心里理想的人，可是那理想的人好象并不适合她

零友人问她：

你到底在证明什么

你在证明给谁看

你这不是在挑战着自己的极限么

怎么到后来 一直努力想要做的事情，好像都做不好，都做不成，觉得自己好没用，超失败的

PA小姐开始怀疑自己是否有问题，

到底哪里出错了

周杰伦的 稻香 里头有句歌词是这样的

追不到的夢想 換個夢不就得了

那她换份工作不就行了吗，干嘛自己难受啊

不行！

如果没把事情做好就离开，

那跟弱懦的 loser 有什么分别，就算要走，也要干干净净地走，

她心里是这样想的

心有点累了。。

我有个医生偶像

我的好友们都知道我有个医生“偶像”，因为真的不知道有哪个词比“偶像”更适合了，对我来说偶像应该是一个他会做你认为很棒的事情，也是一个你想仿效的人，所以我有个医生偶像，哈！

话说大约是五年前我无意中在表弟的脸书看见了一个关于博客得奖名单的文章，在里边发现了医生的博客，在印象中他入围的是 “对生命有影响力xxx” 类似的奖项，那时我就在想 怎样的文字会对生命有影响力呢，那么夸张？点了进去以后，我几乎一星期好几天都在等待他的更新。。。一直到现在 当然现在没有以前那么变态式的频密

喜欢他分享与病人之间的互动和故事
喜欢他分享对生活上的想法
喜欢他分享的电影，书籍和音乐
喜欢他旅行的故事
更喜欢他分享的所有当志工的故事

在发现他的部落格之前我就曾想过要参加一些义工活动 或许渺小的我可以为这社会做些小小的贡献，可是都没有得到很好的经验，还蛮挫折的。然后刚好家里发生了一些不好的事情，一些我只能收在心里的事 有口说不出的苦。感觉发现他的部落格好像是一个转折点似的 原来我的世界以外发生了更多悲惨的事情 我却因为生活给我一些挫折绊倒而无心无力站起来，真的很没有用耶！之后，通过朋友找到了我现在的第二个家 Leo Club of Southern Cross, 遇到了一班热心的朋友，有些甚至只比我小好几岁 大家一起想着点子做有意义的事情，我的生活从此多了这件美好的事情。 然后，我就好像个超级粉丝似的从他的第一个文章读到最新的一个然后顺便人肉搜了一下。。。相信我，那时候我简直可以当 FBI 了！

然后他真的出书了耶！——《索马里，我的世界之外》

因为工作的关系，我几乎一个月都没有点进过医生的部落格，
就这样我错过了他的新书发表会！！！
真的要气炸了！
我本来可以拿到他的签名！如果够幸运的话可能还可以合影！！！
妈的。。眼皮因为翻白眼快翻到抽筋了。。。

过去了就算了。。我当晚立马到大众书局买了一本！

“世界让我遍体鳞伤，但伤口长出的却是翅膀”
真的超爱他的文字。。

原来无国界医生也需要非医药组的志工，

我不敢说我肯定会参加，

但是我真心希望我可以用自己超渺小的力量做点什么,

所以在去到国际等级之前，我还是先粘着我家小狮子们吧 <3